gettin' mah game back - thanks Vijay

So the past week, my swing has been coming back to me. Yesterday was pretty good till we got rained out (see previous post).

What helped the most? Vijay Singh's "seventeen". To keep the right tempo, you say seventeen quietly or in your head. Starting slowly, you finish your backswing after "seven", and then come down through the ball on "teen". It keeps me slow going back (my body has a habit of tensing up and jerking on the start of my swing - which usually means I get out of my posture and thin my shots), and gets me to really swing through the ball more explosively. Best part is it works for all clubs (well not really the putter).

Besides that, Vijay is the man. In his 40s, from Fiji, still dominating. And he has a such an awesome swing to watch - its like a wave breaking. He practices so much, that his drivers' faces periodically collapse.

nutso storm

So we played thursday night golf last night, or tried to. Once again, like clockwork, there was inclement weather on thursday afternoon. I wish I could invest in weather futures.

We made it through the 3rd hole, and the lightning evac kicked in. We get to the restaurant and the waitresses are all freaked out. We manage to get a pitcher of beer, and the rain really started to come down. They close the kitchen before we can get wings. Then the club pro tells us we all should leave. The second we come out it's hailing. Run to my car, and I'm soaked 15 seconds later. It came down so hard, Erik forgot where his car was for a second.

I pull out and it's just a sheet of rain - the kind that your wipers can't keep up with. It was so bad at one point that a driver in front of me had become disoriented and tried to pull over, but instead of pulling over to the right, had pulled over to the left, into the lane of oncoming traffic.

15 minutes later, and it was clear skies. I was kind of annoyed that they closed the course. I was even more annoyed they kicked us out during all the rain. So I shot a 16 for the first time of my life, and wound up getting wings at the roadhouse. Which blow. Highland Meadows, for some reason, have the best wings in the FC area. The cook is from new york and said he got them from a low level mob enforcer from Rhode Island. Makes sense.

Got pretty drunky skunky with Ken, and finished the night playing CoD4 online with him. Whew.

new dashboard view on blogger

not that different, but it's always nice to mix it up. Frank you, google. Frank you very much.

GO Bronze

As of today , we have 3 times as many bronze medals as china, the second runner up for bronze medals. We are so awesome at coming in third place for everything.

OMFG n00b!!!

So I help Mrs. Jones by proofreading a paper for her. She spent so long on it, she needed a second pair of eyes to catch the nits. So I saved it as "JonesPaper.V3.doc" - because its version 3, and a Microsoft word document.

Well the professor couldn't open the file. So I had her resend it as a rich text format (.rtf) instead of a .doc. And he opened it. but the kicker - here's his response:

"This one opened fine, thanks. What I received before was .V3, which may be Microsoft but is certainly not word!"

OMFG - seriously, he's so dumb, it has to be organized into an [ol].

1. You've got file extensions turned off and you don't know it. There's a name for people who don't select options and uncheck "hide file extensions" as part of the 47 things they do when they first start using a windows box. They are called n00bz.


2. There's a name for people who don't understand that you can segment file names with periods as long as there is a valid file extension after the last period. They are called n00bz.


3. There's a name for people who don't know that both .doc and .rtf are both proprietary Microsoft formats - no .rtf is not open standard. They are called n00bz.


4. There's a name for people who don't look up what a possible file extension might be. They are called n00bz. V3 is not associated with any mainstream app.


5. There's a name for people who don't immediately recognize that V3 would be shorthand for version 3. They are called n00bz.

Look, I've got no problem with people who aren't good with 'puters. Lord knows I can't sling serious code or set up a hard core network, or do anything inside much more than throw in more RAM or replace a busted fan. So I know that everybody has their limits - whether its doing some heavy lifting in UNIX, or trying to send an email with an attachment. But the pomposity of the statement: ".V3, which may be Microsoft but is certainly not word!" just begs out to be pimp-slapped. And from what I've hear, this is just another example of this guy's messed up perspective, where he does no wrong. No, it may NOT be Microsoft. Like she sent you some weird ass Visio file. Like you'd know Visio if leapt out of a snake charmer's wicker basket and bit you on the chin.

Dude, dude, dude.... DUDE! You are a college professor. Not Bill Gates. You don't even teach computer science. An exclamation point? "Certainly!"? What is certain is I certainly want to take a hot steaming dump on this guys pretentious chest. Don't confuse your impressive academic accomplishments for technological aptitude.

Best part - one it was resaved, even though it was a Rich Text, it still had the "V3" in file name. Of course I'm sure he didn't even notice that.

Since my secret dream is to be a forensic psychologist and pigeonhole people for living, let me do so for this bloody wanker. A classic narcissist, who doesn't understand the concept of accountability, specifically in this instance, user error. There's two types of people in this world when it comes to a computer issue. The first group says "I did something wrong, there's something here that needs to be figured out. And when I do, it will add to my body of knowledge about computers - making me a 'wiser user'". The second group says "It's not working. Wah wah wah. I need to suck on a teat. The computer is broken/you did something wrong. I know computers, and I've never seen this before, so something is inexplicably afoul, and I'm the only sane one in the situation who sees that everything else has gone mad." There's a name for people in this second group.

They are called n00bz.

Call of Duty 4 T Shirt Designs

Edit - I actually am selling these T-shirts! Again, if you don't play CoD4 (which is everyone who visits this blog except me), you won't get these shirts. But there available. I look forward to making 2 dollars off this venture...

Yay! I Have Eczema!

People who went to college with me know I had some funky ass foot problems. Seriously, I had athlete's foot so bad that my room smelled like an animal had died, and dogs love to lick my feet. Yeah, I think I'm going to barf.

So I would say my feet in general are knobby and gross, and the least capable part of my body at attracting entourages of fine foxy ladies. But the rash stuff had gone away a long long time ago.

Then last fall I got this weird rash on the top of my feet. Not athlete's foot. It sort of subsided over the winter, and then came back full force. Probably the itchiest thing I've ever had happen to me - as you can see - those scabs are the result of my inability to resist clawing at them with furious zeal, in an effort to silence the demons that lay under my derma. Again, my feet had become the bane of my existence.

I tried all sorts of stuff, antifungal, cortizone - but nothing. I finally went to my general practitioner, who told me I had scabies.

Good god. I felt like I could sympathize with people who had genital warts or herpes. I was so embarrassed, as was Mrs. Jones. All of us used this cream a couple of times, and I went out and bought all new socks and bedding. Aside from embarrassed, I was pretty disgusted. All I could think of was the treatment cycle, where the medicine seeps into the scabies mite's burrows, killed them, and then taking another 3 weeks for my feet to heal, as my body absorbed their dead carcasses and left over fecal matter. I'm thinking microscopic bot flies - Barf.

Well a month later, things were still bad. So I went to a dermatologist, who did a scraping, and told me definitively that I didn't have scabies, but eczema. Waves of contented washed over me. Except more my feet - waves of itchiness still poured over them.

So I am going to put some steroid cream on them twice a day, and should be good as new in a couple of weeks. I always wanted to do 'roids, and now I get me chance. Go Eczema!!!

WTF Sergio!?

I should be complementing Padraig on his win, but I'm too annoyed at Sergio for blowing up on the 16th. In the US, he's going from foreign favorite to reviled jerk - but I've always fallen for his sick shotmaking skills. Like me, he's short off the tee (that's relative though). So I appreciate a guy who knows how to handle his 5 iron deftly. And I like rooting for the bad guy.

He had total control for a while, and then hit it into the water.

I don't buy that the Player's is the fifth major, so Sergio isn't in the club. Padraig kind laid the smack down by nabbing two consecutive majors in a row - not to mention his previous Open win was the second year he'd taken that event. It will interesting to see what this confidence boost will do, and what type of challenge he can bring to Tiger next year. Of course, with a year off, we should all be wondering if Tiger will still have his mojo. I have confidence, but it's a long time to be taking off. I'll guess, behind the iron curtain, Tiger is doing the best he can to stay physically and mentally focused, until he can actually hit balls again. I mean, he does strike me as a little focused.

OMG - I love this show

I just totally stumbled onto this show - Melrose Place.  I thought it was going to blow midgets like 90210 - vomit! But OMFG!!!!! This show rocks harder than molly fucking hatchet!  Definitely tivo it!  If there isn't one person in this picture that you want to bang, get your junk checked - I think it's like, broken or something.

The Count loves ####ing apples

Cyborg Arms are so not cool.

So Emily got a cyborg arm in May - so I like totally had 2 get 1. My mom was all like hulking out like "blah blah blah I can't afford it blah blah blah." But she's such a bitch and knows it, so she finally took me to get one.

I got this kickin' cyborg arm - it has attachable hand units - it came with a hand, laser saw and iPhone. Totally bling. I got it for my left arm, cause I always hated my left arm, and now I can be that thing where you can do stuff with like both hands.

Only problem is I couldn't get it working right. It kept spinning around and like whacking me in the face and shit. It's like, how m I supposed to text and stuff while I'm getting whacked in the face! It totally fucked up my shiznit.

I figured I could do what jesus would do and like "read the fucking manual" - but I couldn't even get it open to the right page with one hand. My cyborg arm is all like spinning and smashing me in the face with the iphone (which I totally xoxoxoxox), and I'm all like "I can't even read korean - WTF!!!".

So I took it back to the office, and the Doctor was all like "well you didn't pay that fee, so we didn't keep your old arm - let me go see if its still okay." It was so not okay. It was like rotting in the dumpster and shit - no thank you! IMO - they should have kept it. But I hated that arm anyway. So he's kind of cool in sexy older doctor way, and was like - I'll call you next time we get an arm.

He called three days later - but I get there and it's the right arm of a black man. I was totally WTFing the doctor - jesus - the arm is way too long, and I don't need two right arms. So I went home - but that arm really was hurting my face. So I went back and got it attached later that day. My dad went all Bin Laden as like "what the hell elisa! I can't keep buying you arms!" I hate that bastard.

Well, like if youve never had two right arms, and then get two right arms - you'll know it totally blows. I couldn't do shit except shake my own hands.

So I got another cyborg arm. Yeah mom and dad we're totally hating me. This one works better, but it doesn't have the iphone. So lame.



Oh yeah - I'm getting cyborg legs for christmas!!! yay that bitch emily is gonna be all like "you're stuntin, girl!" and them I'm gonna kick her chest in!

WTF

Jon Edwards had an affair. Seriously? Who cares. I'm sorry, what office is he running for? Oh, that's right, none. I'm sick of people getting in a lather over politico's sideline dalliances.

The Big Brand online that nobody is talking about

American Apparel. These guys are great. Bohemian-sexy-chic models in A.A.'s hipster outfits. I don't what it is about them, but when I see one of their banner ads, I don't have to scroll down to know its them. I'm way too fat to actually wear their stuff - but this has to be one of the most pervasive brands in my corner of the web.

Ryan's awesome party

I went over to Ryan's last night. Thanks to the kids having hand foot and mouth disease I went solo, which was actually pretty relaxing. He and his wife, January, hosted the soiree, and Erik and Karin, and Ken and Crystal were also there. He smoked some pork in his "egg" (see example below):



I had to depart from my diet slightly, but it was well worth it. He got up at 2 am to start smoking the pork, and he "injected" with infusions. Uh, yeah, whatever - but it was delicious whatever zany stuff Ryan busted out. We watched the opening of the Summer olympics which was really tedious. But at least I was in good company.

So I didn't realize how handy Ryan was - he basically constructed the interior of his entire basement, except for the bathroom. Speaking of the bathroom, I was very impressed with his classy glass handled plungers:



Yes I said plungers - plural. He had two side by side. I'm not sure what goes on that requires plunger backup - but I'll just pretend he got them at a 2 for 1 sale. I was a little intimidated by them, which maybe is the point - "guests, please don't feel comfortable enough to poop in our bathroom."

Perhaps more awesome is his secret doorway. I don't what's more awesome - that he built his own secret doorway, or that it leads to the water heater.




After all of this workmanship, and classy housewares, I'm thinking Ryan isn't just the man, he's the man to help me replace my ceiling fan. Good times. I think it says something about me that I had such a good time, but the only pictures I took were of a plunger, a bookcase, and a gaping hole in the wall.

Driving me nuts

I have this thing where the cursor jumps to random places in text box fields. That drives me nuts.

Facebook

I took the plunge. Mrs. Jones has been getting in touch with a bunch of people, and as much as I loathe social networking portals, my opposition was starting to make me feel like a luddite. But it seems to consume her, and there is a lot of weird social cliche things going. Anyway - I can see how it could suck you in, but I'm just not feeling it yet. I ran into an old colleague and I might get some work from him, so I hopefully it will be more than worth the annoyance of perceived shuns and getting cyber molested by "friend collectors" that hardly know me, or how much I dislike them.

Mrs. Jones and I have renamed it "Fightbook". Hours after joining, I had to weigh in with a snarky comeback to one of Mrs. Jones' frenemies, who insinuated she looks old.

Grinding my 7 iron

When it comes to golf, I'm used to having to grind - but this was a twist...

My 7 iron has been through a lot this year. First, I tossed it at my bag in a fit and had to get the shaft repaired. Then, a coouple of rounds back, I was hitting out of the rough and clipped a hidden rock.


I picked up a dremel tool grinder for my cordless drill, and luckily was able to smoothout some of the grittiness. It didn't quite get it the way I wanted it, so I finished it off with my diamond steeling rod.




My i5's are finally looking a little rugged! I do love these irons.

It IS Wrong

Local Public Radio Morning Host:

"Is it wrong that cheese curds have me salivating this early in the
morning?"

Yes. Yes it is wrong. Horribly wrong.

EDIT: I was nauseated, and pulled in to a parking lot to post this from my mobile.

Finding Your Ass with Both Hands; a tactical guide

Hi there; I'm Giuseppe Jones. You know, people come up to me every day and say: "Giuseppe, you are so good at finding your ass with both hands. How do you do it so quickly and consistently?"

If you are like the hundreds of people I've talked to, you can't find your ass with both hands. Want to know the secret about finding your ass with both hands? There's no secret at all. That's right... no secret at all.

Now, you are probably asking yourself "Is Giuseppe for real? Can this guy really find his ass with both hands?" Friend, by the time you are done with this guide, you'll be finding your ass with both hands easily, anytime you want. You might even be using one hand to find your ass, leaving your other hand free to perform other important activities, such as:

- gripping the toilet seat for better leverage
- sending text messages
- shaking hands with business partners
- giving a thumbs up
- eating Bugles
- unwinding a roll of toilet paper

Let's get started.

Getting started: So you know you need to find your ass. That's the best place to begin. First, examine your hands. Are you wearing gloves, mittens, or potholders? If so, take them off. Both of them. Is there a second pair of smaller, more snug fitting gloves underneath? Take those off too.

Posture: Posture may be the single most important key to finding your own ass with both hands. Are you standing up, like a straight, proud, god fearing American? Well stop. First, slouch your shoulders. This will extend your downward reach. If you are a gnome, little person, or otherwise have an uncharacteristically short armspan, slouching is vital. It can mean the difference between grabbing two handfuls of your own ass, or just pinching backfat. And we didn't come here to find our own backfat with both hands.

In addition to slouching, bend your knees and waist 15-25%, so that your ass sticks out behind. Not sure if you are sticking your ass out enough? Here's a simple test. Look down. Can you see your belt? Then you aren't sticking your ass out enough. If you are not wearing a belt, place a belt around you waist. If a belt is unavailable, bailing twine or an extension cord will suffice as well.

Reaching for your own ass: Just like brain surgery, rocket science, and ordering home goods from the QVC, finding your own ass should not be a guessing game. It should be done deliberately, and with both hands. Place your hands over your breasts - this starting point is key, because you can see where you breasts are, and have the sensory feedback of your nipples to validate correct position.

Now carefully slide your hands downwards (away from your face). As you perform this motion, slide your hands toward the back of your body. They will become less visible. Eventually, depending on the speed of the motion, you will come to your own ass. Trust me, the steady slide is much more reliable than quickly slapping or grabbing for your own ass. This can leave you frustrated, even bruised. And if the bruising is on your own ass, then you've got double trouble.

Recognizing your own ass. Self-ass recognition is the final step to finding your own ass. The first question should be "can I feel my own hands?" If not, you may well have found somebody else's ass. Provided you can feel your hands, ask yourself three key questions?

- Am I touching the backs of my legs?
- Am I fondling myself?
- Am I touching my back?

If the answers to these questions are no, then congratulations! Chances are, you've just found your own ass, with both hands.

Final Tip: Until finding your own ass with both hands becomes as second nature as harvesting wheat or assembling hi-fi car audio systems, you may want to use a mirror to verify you have correctly grabbed your own ass. A warning should be provided, though: don't rely on the mirror while you are performing the location of your own ass with both hands. Due to a recently discovered phenomenon in the field of optics, your own image will appear reversed. This may cause disorientation and nausea, and it's likelihood of helping you find your own ass is slim. Remember, locate your ass first, and look in the mirror to make sure you have ass-hand contact second.

Thanks for reading this invaluable guide; I'm sure you'll be finding your own ass in a jiff. Look for my other guides for teaching important activities, such as peeing on the broad side of a barn, advanced pilates, and breathing.

the power of float left

man I love css - there's always a new way to skin a cat. I've historically been pretty non-plussed by positioning objects using the float property, but It's actually pretty awesome.

In building the site I posted a mockup of yesterday, I've taken cues from other BI oriented sites - particularly the BusinessObjects site. They've got 3 columns. I've always had problems with columns, and had to do some funky positioning based on which column is longest - otherwise they run over anything under them, like a footer.

A better solution I saw by checking out their CSS is floats. Each column is a float left. You can then make the footer float left also, and voila - nothing covers up the footer. Even better - you can give all three columns the same class, instead of a special one for the "longest" column - I always hated that - it felt like breaking the spirit of CSS.

Yeah, so if you aren't me, or performing a search on CSS techniques, this is one boring ass blog entry