Monday, August 4, 2008

Finding Your Ass with Both Hands; a tactical guide

Hi there; I'm Giuseppe Jones. You know, people come up to me every day and say: "Giuseppe, you are so good at finding your ass with both hands. How do you do it so quickly and consistently?"

If you are like the hundreds of people I've talked to, you can't find your ass with both hands. Want to know the secret about finding your ass with both hands? There's no secret at all. That's right... no secret at all.

Now, you are probably asking yourself "Is Giuseppe for real? Can this guy really find his ass with both hands?" Friend, by the time you are done with this guide, you'll be finding your ass with both hands easily, anytime you want. You might even be using one hand to find your ass, leaving your other hand free to perform other important activities, such as:

- gripping the toilet seat for better leverage
- sending text messages
- shaking hands with business partners
- giving a thumbs up
- eating Bugles
- unwinding a roll of toilet paper

Let's get started.

Getting started: So you know you need to find your ass. That's the best place to begin. First, examine your hands. Are you wearing gloves, mittens, or potholders? If so, take them off. Both of them. Is there a second pair of smaller, more snug fitting gloves underneath? Take those off too.

Posture: Posture may be the single most important key to finding your own ass with both hands. Are you standing up, like a straight, proud, god fearing American? Well stop. First, slouch your shoulders. This will extend your downward reach. If you are a gnome, little person, or otherwise have an uncharacteristically short armspan, slouching is vital. It can mean the difference between grabbing two handfuls of your own ass, or just pinching backfat. And we didn't come here to find our own backfat with both hands.

In addition to slouching, bend your knees and waist 15-25%, so that your ass sticks out behind. Not sure if you are sticking your ass out enough? Here's a simple test. Look down. Can you see your belt? Then you aren't sticking your ass out enough. If you are not wearing a belt, place a belt around you waist. If a belt is unavailable, bailing twine or an extension cord will suffice as well.

Reaching for your own ass: Just like brain surgery, rocket science, and ordering home goods from the QVC, finding your own ass should not be a guessing game. It should be done deliberately, and with both hands. Place your hands over your breasts - this starting point is key, because you can see where you breasts are, and have the sensory feedback of your nipples to validate correct position.

Now carefully slide your hands downwards (away from your face). As you perform this motion, slide your hands toward the back of your body. They will become less visible. Eventually, depending on the speed of the motion, you will come to your own ass. Trust me, the steady slide is much more reliable than quickly slapping or grabbing for your own ass. This can leave you frustrated, even bruised. And if the bruising is on your own ass, then you've got double trouble.

Recognizing your own ass. Self-ass recognition is the final step to finding your own ass. The first question should be "can I feel my own hands?" If not, you may well have found somebody else's ass. Provided you can feel your hands, ask yourself three key questions?

- Am I touching the backs of my legs?
- Am I fondling myself?
- Am I touching my back?

If the answers to these questions are no, then congratulations! Chances are, you've just found your own ass, with both hands.

Final Tip: Until finding your own ass with both hands becomes as second nature as harvesting wheat or assembling hi-fi car audio systems, you may want to use a mirror to verify you have correctly grabbed your own ass. A warning should be provided, though: don't rely on the mirror while you are performing the location of your own ass with both hands. Due to a recently discovered phenomenon in the field of optics, your own image will appear reversed. This may cause disorientation and nausea, and it's likelihood of helping you find your own ass is slim. Remember, locate your ass first, and look in the mirror to make sure you have ass-hand contact second.

Thanks for reading this invaluable guide; I'm sure you'll be finding your own ass in a jiff. Look for my other guides for teaching important activities, such as peeing on the broad side of a barn, advanced pilates, and breathing.


Kerri said...

I was a little confused by this post until I got to the end of it and realized I was rubbing my ass cheeks with both hands.

Brant said...

Yeah, he probably wrote that just to get you feeling your own ass. I hate Giuseppe - he's such a perv.