Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Storming the Gates

The candy smell of rot is in the air.
I can smell them just as they
must smell us

I hold the boy close
resting my chin on his sweaty hair
His body is shaking
I try to hug it out of him, hug the panic away

I can hear their moaning now,
their endless billowing mantra

I think of bed sheets on the line
the feeling on my fingers
as I hold them to my face
breathing in the sun dried cotton

I tell the boy
about the convoy that has flanked them
about high caliber artillery and armored battalions
about reinforced fortresses that the undead cannot overtake
where his parents sleep safely

I create a world with heroes, kingdoms, myths and eras
It took God seven days and I do it in moments
The boy must know my whispers are only lies
but I pray they comfort him

I have wondered about what lurks
behind their dried out eyes
They can track and discern
dismantle and feast
there is something going on in that cold grey slop
even if it can no longer register pain
or recognize their families

I’m not wondering about that now
The sound of planks being smashed and torn off the windows
inject both our hearts with poison
The boy grabs my ribs so hard it hurts

I hold the oily revolver to my nose, and the smell of gunpowder in the
chambers reminds me of my grandfather

I whisper to the boy about
his pipe and cardigans,
the drafting table where he designed ships for the navy
and his view of the Hudson river from his office

He had a long warm face and spoke warm things to me
and I don’t tell the boy that I’m glad
he didn’t live to see this happen to the world

The moaning is closer, more fevered
I promised the boy I would never let the zombies take him
He must know what that must mean now

The door is pulled from its hinges
and the gun fires twice

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Smoove moves

Someone I went to high school with changed his facebook status to: just found out my friend John lost his mother last night.

Now don't get me wrong - I like the guy, he's really a nice person, but WTF!? I can't give my friend condolences. And really, I can't give him condolences to pass to a stranger.

It's basically a bum out status that nobody can do anything with.

Rant over.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

For Sale: One Pack of Wolves

For Sale: One Pack of Wolves
Own Your Own Wolf Pack! 7 fully grown and highly aggressive timber wolves. Loyal, but require regular activity and feeding. Buyer must pay shipping. Motivated Seller.


Struggling with my first crowbar,
my apartment was full
of the thick musk of sawdust
and the squealing of wood being pried from nails.

The crate burst at the seams
like a cymbal crash
my apartment was full of wolves
and ruined upholstery,
and decorations.

How shiny they were
all brand new
glistening of slick fur sheets,
shining of eyes like mercury,
glinting of teeth lined up
in rows of sweating ivory arrowheads.

Constantly grooming and nipping in
a violently writhing heap
like pissed off snakes
in a pillowcase.


That first night was awful
howling at the moon, TV, new cage
and neighbors knocking at ceilings and floors
with broomsticks and shoe-heels
as if that would help.

I lay in bed, thinking about
the tundra, forest and steppes where they may have
once hunted in packs, flanked their quarry and
huddled at night for warmth.

I wondered how much it would be to ship them home.


The next morning,
in a stroke of smug irony
I wore my red hooded sweatshirt
and took them to central park.

They sniffed at flowers
drank from fountains
chased a yellow frisbee
and devoured the man who threw it.

It was nice to see them perking up.

They moved from prey to prey,
with the lethal efficiency a Rio street gang.

They tore apart
the couple kissing on a plaid blanket
the mother and her six year old son
who mistook them for a dog sled team

They disemboweled they street investor
who screamed for mercy into his mobile phone headset.

The old lady was torn limb from limb,
her remains folded over her walker,
decanting gallons of blood.

3 joggers
a bicyclist
a mounted police officer
and his horse
came apart like pulled pork.

Indignation, entitlement, desperation, blind panic —
devoured in a tsunami of graceful brutality
as were six college students and one mime.


For Sale: One Pack of Wolves
Own Your Own Wolf Pack! 7 fully grown and highly aggressive timber wolves. Loyal, but require regular activity and feeding. Buyer must pay shipping. Motivated Seller.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Happy Franksgiving

Seeing as my kids don't eat food, and neither jade nor I like turkey - I mixed it up and threw together a non-traditional thanksgiving meal.

I made a hybrid roast stew. Potatoes carrots onions, herbs, stew meat. About 4 cups of chicken broth and a Guinness in a roasting pan. Broiled for an hour, baked for another 90 minutes.

I made a pumpkin pie, which never set, and a dutch apple pie - which was delicious. I made soft pretzels that were inedible, but I attempted again yesterday with a new recipe, and they came out fine.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

For Alexei

These are some pictures of Fort Collins for my friend Alexei, who lives near Kirov in Russia...

Starbuck's - the National coffee chain where Americans spend too much for flavored hot water.

Old Town, Fort Collins, Colorado. "Old Town" is a designation for a part of newer towns that are old or historic - the rest of Fort Collins looks different. In the Northeast of the United States, where I am from, the cities are older, and there is no "old town".

Old Town Fort Collins

We have a lot of train tracks running through town.

My house

My car

Horsetooth Reservoir - the highest point, with the notches, looks like horse's teeth. Or at least somebody thought that.

More of Horsetooth

More old town

My favorite walk-in restaurant - "La Luz" is Spanish for "The Light". They make great burritos.

Monday, November 3, 2008


i've been away from my sweet blog too long.

here's a tidbit to tide over my hungry blog

Friday, October 3, 2008

Don't touch that belt...

I am now of the mind that the belt is the most disgusting part of the wardrobe. Consider a public bathroom. Someone exits their stall, to wash fecal matter from their hands. The belt has been cinched and is fully engaged. That means those feces-afflicted fingers manipulated both the buckle and tongue of the belt. To a lesser extent, the pants and underwear are similarly tainted. But at least those get washed.

Even the most hygienic of people seem to do this - i do it myself. I've never seen anybody walk out of the stall with their pants and underwear down around their calves, wash up, and then dress.


Saturday, September 27, 2008

Paul Newman

Paul Newman finally succumbed to Cancer, and died at the age of 83. I have a fondness for Paul Newman the actor — not just in his performances, but in the risks that he took as an actor.

Initially dubbed as a Brando knock-off, Newman quickly grew into his own. From Cool Hand Luke and The Hustler to The Verdict and The Color of Money, he inhabited characters that had the potential for greatness, yet were mired by their own failings and weaknesses. Roles in The Sting, Butch Cassidy, and Slapshot showed the otherside of Newman - the wry trickster who was able to get you to laugh at and with him.

Whereas Brando's performances were outsized, so were the roles he demanded. Newman broke from this, playing more understated characters. Brando may have amazed us with his realism, but Newman's performances were believable, and inhabited cinema realities that were equally credible.

His strength as a performer was potent, and his impression was clearly felt on a generation of actors, from greats like Robert Redford and Robert Deniro to almost greats like Burt Reynolds and Mickey Rourke.

In a time when politicans are throwing around the word Maverick like cheap rice at a wedding - Newman was a true maverick - from his choices as an actor to his humanitarian pursuits. With his passing, one more of the movie star greats has left us.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008


I was discussing homophobia the other night, and I have some views on this for the record. I have some theorize on why homophobia is the way it is.

Paranoia of Others
I feel as though homophobia has a different shade of bigotry than other types. Unlike ethnic and cultural biases, homosexuality can occur in any society, in any race, and in any gender group. So in a sense "gayness" can happen anytime, anywhere. Someone could come out of the closet at any time. So there's a paranoia of others.

Paranoia of Self and "the Spectrum"

We were in agreement with the concept of a sexuality spectrum. Few people are "100% straight" or "100% gay". I think I'm on the spectrum enough to recognize a guy that women would find attractive — I wouldn't confuse George Clooney for George Costanza. And I think most people who fall into a homo or hetero bucket are similarly on the spectrum.

This is in contrast with what society has been telling itself — until recently, we've lived in a cultural landscape populated with John Wayne on one side, and Richard Simmons on the other, with no gray area inbetween. For one to have thoughts that puts oneself on the spectrum, yet be shaped by this black and white dichotomy creates a tension. There's a paranoia that if you aren't "The Duke", you must be the guy in leotards, making sweating to the oldies with limp wrists.

And the pressure is high, because of the stakes that society has created. Homosexuals are marginalized, the victims of prejudice and violence. Outing yourself as a homosexual has long been the social equivalence of bankruptcy. You lose everything - your friends, sometimes your family. You essentially have to rebuild your life from scratch. I can see why that is terrifying - ignoring the fact that these pressures are created by the intolerance of our own society. I do feel this paranoia crosses gender lines, but is generally more pervasive and vitriolic among men. And I do feel that masculine stereotypes in western culture is tied more strongly to heterosexuality, then feminine stereotypes.

Introspection and transcending the Spectrum
When I was in high school, I had some very private and tense moments, where I simultaneously couldn't stop thinking about homosexuality, while being terrified that that meant I was gay. At the same time, I wasn't aroused by the thought of sex with men, and I was very aroused by women. Still, I was shaken to say the least.

In time, I realized that introspective people consider all ranges of human existence. Part of intelligence is to consider that which you are not. What would it like to be Asian? To live in Ancient Rome? To be a tree? To kill someone? To win the Nobel Prize? To eat a live octopus? How can we not consider these situations at some point in our repose. And when the consideration is aimed at wondering what being gay would be like, the questions are pretty specific and graphic. What would it be like to live with someone of the same sex, to have a sexual relationship with them?

But because of the self-paranoia, this specific type of consideration is terrifying in our culture. We wonder - does this mean I'm gay, and I just can't accept it. In the John Wayne/Richard Simmons world - simply thinking about gayness means you are gay.

Ultimately, I matured to a point where it just sunk in that the physical act of homosexuality was totally unappealing to me on a visceral level - like the idea of eating a live octopus is totally unappealing to me. And the crisis passed. Of course, the difference is that there is no cultural paranoia that I might secretly want to eat octopus.

Preventing Introspection
I believe that people are either fundamentally introspective, or they are not. non-introspective people do consider other possibilities, but I would say those considerations are more pragmatic, and often subconscious.

For this group of non-introspective people, considering alternatives is probably like the edge of your peripheral vision. Those things are there, but they just don't ever get examined or pursued - it just fades into grayness. By not considering these things consciously, you are unable to follow the train of thought to its conclusion.

When it comes to homosexuality, that means a subconscious consideration that is never fully completed, and therefore a crisis that is never resolved.

To deal with the paranoia of this particular unresolvable crisis, firewalls are created. There is a "I'm not going there" mentality. But in doing so, the paranoia is actually heightened - because rational thought is not allowed to hold court. In the void of rational thought, the paranoia takes over.

And you see it in heterosexual relationships. We catch each other, and issue warnings. "You sound like a fag." "What are you, a homo?" "I'm not gay, but..." It's like we create this linguistic warning system to make sure we stay in the John Wayne tent.

Catching Gay
There is a perceived immorality about homosexuality, despite the fact that its been poven to be largely biological. This misunderstanding is based on the unresolved crisis, and a self fear that one could still be gay, if the firewall were to be breached. To cope with that incorrect assumption, homosexuality is characterized as an immoral act, and that its some type of cult. This actually reinforces the latent fear that one could become gay, and that a homosexual person would want to turn you gay, like some type of vampire.

At the end of the day, you can't catch gay. You are either gay or you aren't. I'm speculating here, but the compartmentalization one does to avoid thinking about homosexuality is probably light years away from the type of self denial and compartmentalization that occurs when somebody really is gay, and is exerting maximum force to prevent consciously accepting it.

Fear based silence on issues
The paranoia runs so deep, that to talk about gay issues seems to automatically implicate somebody as secretly gay. I'm sure somebody reading this post might come to that conclusion about me. It's unfortunate, because its the type of reactionary panic that prevents more open dialogs about homosexuality and homophobia. The kind of dialog that would allow better acceptance of not just homosexuals, but for heterosexuals to accept themselves. After all, if the paranoia is that you could be turned gay, or choose to be gay, doesn't that actually weaken one's own tie to "John Wayne" straightness - its like a broad based, cultural insecurity. One that has left millions emotional and physical casualties in its wake.

The future
My personal wish is for homosexuality to be accepted as a biologically initiated characteristic, like left handedness. I don't want our friends and our children to have to grow up in a world where if they are gay, that it becomes a stigmatizing event. I don't want to see a world where being called gay or a fag is an insult - just like I don't want to see racism.

Unfortunately, unlike these other prejudices, homosexuality is one rooted not in fear of others, but in fear of what may be lurking in oneself. Even more sad and ironic, that fear prevents the type of self exploration that would lead to a reassuring and anti-climactic conclusion. It seems as though we as a society are becoming more tolerant, but that we still have a long way to go in the self-honesty department.

Monday, September 22, 2008


Hi guys. Thanks Jo - I'm sure I'll do better than your crap ass posts.

Let's get things started with a little MJ to melt your brain. He may or may not be a monster, but while the jury is out, let's watch some of the sickest footwork I've ever seen...

and through that I found some asian kid who one ups the moonwalk... I'm not even sure what I'm looking at here - but that's sick, yo!


I'm passing over the reigns to brant, a good friend of mine. I think you'll see no dip in quality, since there wasn't any to begin with. I'll pop back in from time to time, but I'm leaving it in his capable hands.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

In logolounge

Logolounge publishes an annual selection of 2000 logos. My logo for front range vista got in from over 33,000 submissions. So next summer, unless disaster strikes, I'll be able to head down to Barnes and Noble and find my logo on the shelf. I could pretend I don't like to toot my own horn, but we all know that's BS.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Palin's Speech

8:37 - Sounds gracious, and enthused about McCain (of course).

8:38 - Painting McCain as maverick. Making pollsters and pundits (media) the enemy.

8:40 - McCain military service - tied to success in Iraq. Makes mother of soldier connection ("I'm one of you" moment). Makes her own family's service record known.

8:41 - almost angry "USA" chants.

8:42 - Calls out her kids, and references her current family challenges.

8:43 - Uses her husband to establish blue collar credentials, and her wholesome life choices.

8:44 - Acknowledges women's rights.

8:45 - Connects her "heartland" upbringing to Harry Truman (former Vice President).

8:45 - Hockey mom/Pitbull joke - insinuates her toughness.

8:46 - Rips on Obama as community organizer. "Guns and Religion" comment. Accusing Obama of flip flopping, and apparently that "Rookie" Obama is also an elite insider.

8:48 - Why are these speeches about getting people to boo.

8:49 - Now she's teeing up on the press.

8:50 - Challenge the status quo? With four more years of republicans in the white house?

8:52 - She is reaffirming her commitment, and referencing her history as reformer. It's unsettling that she sees the executive branch is in need of reform. I can agree with her on that.

8:54 - Power of veto. Her record showing vetos to save half a billion dollars. Claiming her fiscal acumen. "Bridge to Nowhere"; she opposed it, (but she didn't mention than when she was running for governor, she supported it)

8:56 - Fighting for offshore drilling. These guys are all ready to stoke the coals of the Cold War. Because that's what we need right now. Will she acknowledge that it doesn't make any short term difference? I guess not. How is that energy dependence? Apparently not drilling is "doing nothing at all".

8:59 - Rips Obama on not authoring laws. Rips him for not referring to Iraq with the term "victory". Rips on the Democratic set (okay, we deserve that one.) Associates him with unsafe relations to terrorists. Rips Obama for wanting human rights accorded to enemy combatants. Associating him with Big Government and money. Here comes the "TAX Attack" - don't polls show that Americans are more worried about benefits right now? "A massive tax burden".

9:04 - "Change to Promote Career" = Obama; "Career to Promote Change" McCain. Getting nasty again. People keep promoting McCain as bipartisan, but then the speaker makes incrediblly partisan statements. Wow - really natsy, and painting legislature as weak, do nothing. "path to Presidency is not supposed to be journey of personal discovery". I can't even keep up with the shots being taken.

9:06 - There was any fear that she was going to be all smiles, she's dispelled that. I think she's succeeded in eliminating any question from the minds of Hillary supporters. Pretty nasty - not as bad as Rudi.

9:10 - It's pretty hard to take positive statements and negative statements, alternating so rapid fire...


Watching the convention... Rudy Giuliani is really getting nasty and personal. He's also objecting to statements that the press, not the Obama campaign, made, yet the latter the credit for making them. That's pretty disappointing. Mrs. Jones just got in, heard the speech on the radio, and had a similar reaction. Policy aside, that's wasn't a very classy move as a convention speaker. Rovian politics, here we come...

Problems with Palin & Abstinence Training

The McCain camp is coming out swinging hard. I understand (if I don't totally agree) that the personal lives of candidates should be off limits. But what I've seen is journalists asking questions about her lack of experience are getting snapped back at. If she is the reformer, outsider - journalists should have the right ascertain if the label "neophyte" is also applicable.

The next issue is her daughter. Look, early pregnancies happen all the time - I'm not going to judge that actions of teenagers. What I will be critical of is Palin's staunch pro-abstinence education stance. It didn't work here, and it doesn't work in most places. In 3rd world countries, its even less relevant. Children can be a blessing for the right people, but if they aren't, there's no putting the genie back in the bottle. And I haven't heard of people who are applauded for deciding to keep their STDs.

Abstinence is lifestyle decision. You can't enforce it - I was listening to NPR this morning and a female delegate interviewed was quoted as defending Palin's stance, saying essentially: Look you can teach it, but kids go off and make their own decisions. Exactly; but then what is the point? So that you have the moral self satisfaction of leading the horse to water, and then be blase about the fact that it died of thirst in front of the trough? Bravo.

As a parent, if you want to impart those values, fine (although that didn't seem to stick here), but in terms of education, protection is what is going to work. It accommodates not just choices - like abstinence - but people who are born homosexual. A christian, right-wing diatribe on abstinence is going to fall on deaf ears if gay and lesbian students feel ostracized already. of course, there is the latent insinuation that whatever happens to homosexuals not practicing abstinence is their own fault. Or what if your parents don't share the same values as a school with a right-wing agenda. Certainly the parents can fill that void with proper education - but then the school is doing a disservice to its students.

I'm getting a little tangential here, but the main point is this: the right to teach value-based abstinence is questionable, but its failure is not: In the past 8 years, money to fund abstinence has gone from 60 million to over 176 million (source - Advocates for Youth). Mathematica Policy Research Inc., a non-partisan group found that abstinence does not lower the rate of teen sexual activity. If supporters are going to fight for the right to teach it, shouldn't they be held accountable for both its failure as a program, and the money that's been tossed down the drain. Of course, that money is probably spent every 3 days fighting the war in Iraq, but one rant at a time.

If teens are going to ignore or fundamentally disagree with abstinence training, to engage in sexual activity without understanding the importance and logistics of protection - then we're just punishing them. It's the equivalent of telling your teens not to drink and drive, but when they call you drunk from a party at 1AM, you decide not to pick up the phone. Roll over and go back to sleep good parent: they can get home some way - and you've done your part; any trouble they into is their own fault for not listening. Maybe some kindly date rapist with abstinence education under his belt will give your daughter a lift home.


Bringing this back to my original beef with Palin - I respect that she may have been picked in part for her conservative views, to appeal to moral conservatives and the Christian Right. What I don't respect is this shell game that the McCain camp is playing, expecting Hillary supporters who were enthused to elect a female to the white house to suddenly drop their values and IQs, by voting for somebody who's policies couldn't be more different. The gender card is definitely being played here, to the detriment of everybody, including the McCain campaign.

The liberals get slammed as being intellectual elitists - I'll wear that badge with pride as a smart, smug asshat. But being a moral elitist? A holier than though hypocrite who believes the only help needed to be given by the government is in the form of morality brainwashing, and that services shouldn't be funded that can benefit those who haven't fully adopted those values? A sink or swim mentality to your own constituents?

Yeah, I'll take the intellectual elitism, thanks. Not that the past 8 years haven't been fun.

Monday, September 1, 2008

Snap Judgements: Don't hide the bromance, bro.

At first this looked like the back of any X-Games watching, pseudo counterculture participating meathead's truck.

But wait a minute... what's that in the window?

That's so cute!

Friday, August 29, 2008

IE 8

I've made little secret of my disdain for internet explorer - From how it handles padding to rendering fonts, web sites just look uglier on IE.

I had to laugh when I about the IE 8 beta, and tech pundits making hay about its new "porn mode" - a mode that hides it from cookies and site tracking.

I don't love Safari (Firefox man myself), but Safari has had this feature for a while now.

Thursday, August 28, 2008


The Game finally released his "I'm going into retirement after this album", LAX.

I feel like he and 50 Cent are manifesting their beef, by seeing who can put out a worse album. I like "The Documentary" - any album that gets heavy production support from Dr. Dre is going to be bangin'. And "The Doctor's Advocate" actually improved on his debut. Despite not having Dr. Dre at the soundboard, Scott Storch and others helped make a classic west coast gangsta rap album. It actually sounded like his flossing was deserved. He was free from having to hawk G-Unit garbage, and his estranged status from Dr. Dre as a result of his beef with 50 Cent almost made it a concept album - he was a Ronin rapper, torturing himself over losing the hand of his mentor. Honestly, after Ghostface, Doctor's Advocate single handedly makes The Game the second most listened to rapper in my iPod (sorry Snoop, Meth and T.I.).

So WTF happened to LAX? Scott Storch makes a single, unimpressive appearance. The production is disjointed, and worse - just bad. So are the guests. I love Raekwon - but he's got no business trading lines with the Game. Ice Cube? Talk about irrelevant. I'm probably more authentic than Cube these days. And then we're not even going into the R&B heavy garbage.

Technically, The Game improves his flow with every album. He even double times his flow on the opening track. But he spends so much time canceling out righteous desperation with nihilistic flossing that he makes DMX and Snoop Dogg look like should be honored by the NAACP. Gone is the lost son of Dr. Dre (my thoughts and sympathies go out to Dr. Dre, whose 20 year old son was found dead the other day) - and we just have a guy who is los tin his personas.

Rappers retire the way Michael Jordan and Brett Favre do. But when the Game comes back, Dre or no Dre, I hope he gets his head back on.

I'll say one thing - LAX is so bad, I actually just put on Fiddy's last album, Curtis - and its actually not bad in comparison. At least 50 is focused - even what he's focused on is making ends while shitting on the hand that pays.

Don't be part of the problem, be part of the solution:
If you want a better west coast album - Keak Da Sneak's "Deified". The king of hyphy is back, his warbling graveling caterwauling fights with production that's been called "too bombastic". I think it kicks major domo ass. Best West coast album of the year so far.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Stuff this white guy likes

I posted a link to the well circulated stuff white people like blog a ways back, and picked up the paperback for my vacation in July. The author, Christian Lander, has an interview on the AV CLub, and buried in it was statement that beautifully articulated my own criticism with white hipness, and my own complicity.

"But you're just as guilty of the keeping-up-with-the-Joneses' mentality as your parents or grandparents. It's not a display of wealth. It's about a display of authenticity and taste. And so it's just my anger about that competition. And what I'm angry about is, I just can't stop myself from doing it."

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Taking the dive into Blu-Ray

Well, after going through 3 dvd players in as many years, I decided instead of buying another value priced DVD player, to bite the bullet and go blu-ray. My rationale is that according to articles, the electronics cartel aren't going to allow the price of leading blu-ray players go down to 300 dollars until well into 2009. So If I were to buy another DVD player, I probably would still wind up behind when I eventually did buy a blu-ray player. I'm also guessing there will be a media conversion to blu ray in 2010, at which point new releases will be harder to come by. I'm a traditionalist in the sense I don't like to steal movies or music - so I think the a digital medium being connected to the home theatre is still a few years out, and a few years more before its acceptably turnkey that Mrs. Jones could use it while I'm out. So for the time being, blu-ray is the new medium, and probably the last hard medium for watching movies before downloads finally replace the existing model.

So I picked up one Blu-Ray disc to see how much better it was. Even on my 32 inch 780p, it looked noticeably better to me. The contextual UI is a lot more user friendly, and I put in Batman Begins on DVD to see the up conversion. Also - much improved. It didn't look as good as the blu-ray disc, but much better than when it was played on a traditional DVD player.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

The battle continues

This is a sequel to the previous post. If you actually read this whole thing - I'll make a check for 25 bucks. You'll have to pass a quiz proving you are a literary masochist.

"smooveluv, so anyone who has no interest in the movie and thinks it's garbage and is tired of hearing the same, worn out insults, etc must be a Bush supporter??"

No, but if I was a gambling man, I'd say it's likely in your case - and your comments certainly present you at least as a Bush defender or apologist, whether you are aware of that perception or not.


"we have not been attacked one time since 9/11, contrary to the liberal promoted propaganda"

I suppose if you consider the soliders in Iraq not part of the collective "we" you could assert that. If you are talking about attacks on American soil, I'm not aware of any liberal propaganda asserting that we have been attacked. Please provide some documentation - I'd be very curious to read about these faux attacks. I also fail to see where this fits into the argument. It could just as easily be argued that we have not been attacked despite the administration, not because of it. I'd also be knocking on wood right about now.


"Iraq has achieved many great things since we first went over there--this is based on what friends and family members who have served in the military have personally witnessed and observed while over there."

I'm sure that there have been some gains, but the net effect is destabilization to the country, and to the region. I'm sure it could be argued that in a sense we've "taken the fight to the enemy" but I'm not that comfortable with that argument, as it essentially says we are using our soldiers as bait to lure Al Q into a one geographical area. I'm sure some people don't have an issue with that, its just my opinion.


"It's funny you ridicule the comment made about the WMDs being moved to Syria, because it's actually true, believe it or not."

I have no choice but NOT to believe it, because neither you, nor anybody else has been able to produce them. Either that's a fiction you are stating as fact, or our military intelligence is so poor that we bungled that operation as well. Are you stating that we should accept your word, without clear unverifiable proof, regarding something so important? If the government did find it, and is hiding it, then its consistent with their habit of keeping the American public in the dark. If we had found this material, wouldn't they be hoisting it up over our heads? Given everything that's gone on in this administration, I feel that the burden of proof falls on your side of the argument. Show me the money, or stop claiming that they are there. If the premise was to stop production and get our hands on those weapons, why isn't that argument being used to steamroll into Syria, and get the weapons that we know are there? And not in Lebanon. Or Iran. Or any number of other countries disenfranchised with our foreign policy.


"Are people ever going to wake up and live in the real world?"

Clearly you are on another realm of reality above ours, one that we can't possibly hope to attain. Interesting that our paths intersect at a web site dedicated to movie gossip. If you are sensing sarcasm, your detector is not malfunctioning. Methinks you perceive an intellectual chasm between yourself and the plebiscites, that is less wide than you think it is. But I could be wrong, and Morpheus will come a knocking on my feeding chamber, to awaken me from my slumber.


"CNN is bullshit. FOX is bullshit. It's all propaganda. The American public who view such news sources are being fooled by those who are paid to show you what the person behind the curtains wants you to see."

That's your opinion, but hardly relevant - I made no reference to CNN as a primary news source for me, unless you are interpreting my reference to Glenn Beck as such, which would be an incorrect conclusion. Perhaps you'd like to be part of the solution, rather than content to point out the problem, and provide us with your credible news sources. Or do you simply avoid the news media entirely, on principal? Of course, there is an alternative to avoiding "all propoganda" - take in as much news as possible, aggregate and parse it down, and use your own critical faculties to come to the most rational conclusion. Or I could just get my facts made up for me by conservative talk radio or Bill Maher. It's ironic that your criticism of the news media can be just as easily be made against the administration itself.


"You don't have to be a Bush supporter or an absolute conservative to know this or to feel the way I do about it. "

That's true, but its not your paranoia of the news that makes me think you are either A: a conservative pretending not to be, in order to wear a pretend mantle of objectivity, or B: you are unaware of your own bias. It's mostly just everything else you are saying that makes me think that.


"What one does for a living and how much money they make has absolutely NOTHING to do with their credibility."

True, but income strata have everything to do with what policies benefit voters, and recognizing what groups oppose or advocate those programs. Simply going back as recently as 1935, Republicans have serially voted against public assistance programs, using McCarthyism, the specter of death by taxation, and ideological fiery rhetoric to persuade the economically depressed to vote against programs that would directly benefit them. Social Security, Medicaid, Bilingual Education, Universal Healthcare, and Head Start are all programs that the financially distressed would benefit from - so when they vote according to party dogma, it's unintelligent. I'm not critiquing the lower class, I'm critiquing people of that group who vote for Republicans, without considering voting for programs that benefit them. I'd similarly accuse affluent people of voting against their economic interests by voting Democratic - but they have the benefit of expendable income and no threat to their standard of living, which makes such idiosyncratic behavior less self damaging. And they have nice "stuff" - so they must be smart.

Lest you accuse me of part of the machine that fuels the propaganda dissemination conspiracy, I'd be happy to produce source citation from several volumes that include direct quotes from politicians on both sides of the aisle to back this claim up.


"Most of America is so Goddamn doped up anyway on anti-depressants and other such poisons that they're incapable of logical and rational thoughts."

Certainly I hope that's just a broad, insulting generalization (substitute "American" with any social minority group, and you'll see what that statement reads like) and not a direct accusation. Still the insinuation that anyone who doesn't share your opinion must somehow be hallucinating is troublesome - I suppose by trivializing the opposition saves you the trouble of questioning your own beliefs. I feel I am well served by my grasp of logic, and I've found several holes in yours. Incapable of rational thought? That's hyperbole. Make that a literal statement, and we'd find ourselves in some post-apocalyptic wasteland. If that's the case, I'm definitely canceling my last check to the Home Owner's Association.

EDIT: This statement, which is basically taking a dumping on "most" Americans directly contradicts your earlier defense of the common man, when you stated: "What one does for a living and how much money they make has absolutely NOTHING to do with their credibility." Or are you saying regardless of occupation or income bracket, we are all just equally lacking in our mental faculties? And I'm sure I've got my share of typos, but you might want to spell check and examine grammar before you throw the collective minds of "most of America" under a bus.


"But as far as the subject at hand goes, there is no point to this movie. "

So you've seen it? Capital. Do tell. Where does Stone lose his point? Or did I misunderstand you? Maybe you were just saying that premise of this movie doesn't interest you, or that you are incapable of seeing anything new being brought to the table.

To the contrary, there is a great deal of point to the premise of making the film, in my opinion. Stone is unapologetically liberal, and a conspiracy nut to top it off. He's rushing to have it filmed, and he wants to persuade voters to vote democratic. It's manipulative, ballsy, and insulting to most Americans by thinking they are dumb enough to be so easily brainwashed. That's pretty descriptive of the tone of your argument, so in hindsight, your opposition to this film now confuses me.

My rant from a movie site against bush supporters who don't want to see Oliver Stone's mockumentary W

From James: "I've spent hours defending Bush's presidency... Although, not like I care at all, or know anything about politics" You've established yourself as a credible expert on current politics - those sound like hours well spent, with tangible results.

From Balboa6: "Enough Bush bashing already... Everyone needs to drop the subject and move on." Yeah, Americans shouldn't care about the job the president is doing. It's not important or anything. Not risking saying something that could potentially bore Balboa6 - that's what we need to focus on. But people who feel that Bush is the worst president of the past century, they should just move on to something more topical.

And I don't think anyone would make a stink about an anti-Obama movie, because it would never get made in liberal hollywood. Unless you mean a movie that was filmed in Anne Coulter's basement, with Glenn Beck manning a super-8, with Rush Limbaugh in black face. That movie is probably already on youtube. Otherwise, your argument condemning liberals for their reaction to an Obama film, is as foolish as it is unfair, seeing as its based on a hypothetical situation.

99% of the time, I feel people are entitled to their opinion, but after 8 years, an unnecessary war based on false premises with thousands of American and Iraqi casualties, an administration that made a mockery of the Attorney General's office, a non-enemy combatant policy that Bush's own appointed supreme court puked all over, and after an economy that briefly popped out of a cesspool, and the flushed back in - after all that, I think Bush supporters can shut the hell up. We've heard enough of this incompetent whacker - and he deserves every cheap shot that's made at him, whether its boring or cliche to you. We've been listening, and enduring his inarticulate speeches and damaging foreign policy for 8 years. People can shut the hell up and listen to a 2+ hour movie that calls him on it - or skip it.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

For your tuesday afternoon

Courtesy Leslie Feist

The Grind

A checklist might give you some idea of what some more of my more mundane tasks are like:

Package Dimensions for Swift 3D - In Pixels

F# Package
Width: 389
Height: 459
Depth: 196
Back Flap Height: 544
Box Panels: DONE
Assembled Panels Into Box:
Graphics Panels:
Render Boxes:
R8 Single Package
Width: 171
Height: 284
Depth: 175
Center Flap Height: 68
Box Panels:
Assembled Panels Into Box:
Graphics Panels:
Render Boxes:
R# Single

Width: 162
Height: 230
Depth: 160
Center Flap Height: 72
Box Panels:
Assembled Panels Into Box:
Graphics Panels:
Render Boxes:
R# Double
Width: 162
Height: 459
Depth: 160
Center Flap Height: 72
Box Panels:
Assembled Panels Into Box:
Graphics Panels:
Render Boxes:

R2 Quad
Width: 313
Height: 459
Depth: 158
Back Flap Height: 522
Box Panels:
Assembled Panels Into Box:
Graphics Panels:

Steps for Each:
Create shapes with the dimensions above
Create Blank 3D models, with established lighting and camera angles (5 boxes)
Test Lighting
Export High Res Filters and Die lines
Crop Panels according to blank panels
Apply graphics to Swift box panels, and create product versions of each box (12 total packages)
Export to jpg, png, and tiff

Friday, August 15, 2008


A stranger bought a couple of shirts! I'm psyched, and glad I wasted 3 hours making those damn things. Of course, Eaton was a bro and bought a shirt for himself and JR, and I ordered a couple for myself - but this is the first time some random DutyHead bought the shirts. And he's from Australia. Kind of neat to think that something I designed will be worn down under.

I am going to keep designing some non-CoD4 shirts and swag. I figure if I create enough of this stuff, and I can maybe earn some mad money.

EDIT: Sold a few more - I might actually break even.

gettin' mah game back - thanks Vijay

So the past week, my swing has been coming back to me. Yesterday was pretty good till we got rained out (see previous post).

What helped the most? Vijay Singh's "seventeen". To keep the right tempo, you say seventeen quietly or in your head. Starting slowly, you finish your backswing after "seven", and then come down through the ball on "teen". It keeps me slow going back (my body has a habit of tensing up and jerking on the start of my swing - which usually means I get out of my posture and thin my shots), and gets me to really swing through the ball more explosively. Best part is it works for all clubs (well not really the putter).

Besides that, Vijay is the man. In his 40s, from Fiji, still dominating. And he has a such an awesome swing to watch - its like a wave breaking. He practices so much, that his drivers' faces periodically collapse.

nutso storm

So we played thursday night golf last night, or tried to. Once again, like clockwork, there was inclement weather on thursday afternoon. I wish I could invest in weather futures.

We made it through the 3rd hole, and the lightning evac kicked in. We get to the restaurant and the waitresses are all freaked out. We manage to get a pitcher of beer, and the rain really started to come down. They close the kitchen before we can get wings. Then the club pro tells us we all should leave. The second we come out it's hailing. Run to my car, and I'm soaked 15 seconds later. It came down so hard, Erik forgot where his car was for a second.

I pull out and it's just a sheet of rain - the kind that your wipers can't keep up with. It was so bad at one point that a driver in front of me had become disoriented and tried to pull over, but instead of pulling over to the right, had pulled over to the left, into the lane of oncoming traffic.

15 minutes later, and it was clear skies. I was kind of annoyed that they closed the course. I was even more annoyed they kicked us out during all the rain. So I shot a 16 for the first time of my life, and wound up getting wings at the roadhouse. Which blow. Highland Meadows, for some reason, have the best wings in the FC area. The cook is from new york and said he got them from a low level mob enforcer from Rhode Island. Makes sense.

Got pretty drunky skunky with Ken, and finished the night playing CoD4 online with him. Whew.

new dashboard view on blogger

not that different, but it's always nice to mix it up. Frank you, google. Frank you very much.

GO Bronze

As of today , we have 3 times as many bronze medals as china, the second runner up for bronze medals. We are so awesome at coming in third place for everything.

OMFG n00b!!!

So I help Mrs. Jones by proofreading a paper for her. She spent so long on it, she needed a second pair of eyes to catch the nits. So I saved it as "JonesPaper.V3.doc" - because its version 3, and a Microsoft word document.

Well the professor couldn't open the file. So I had her resend it as a rich text format (.rtf) instead of a .doc. And he opened it. but the kicker - here's his response:

"This one opened fine, thanks. What I received before was .V3, which may be Microsoft but is certainly not word!"

OMFG - seriously, he's so dumb, it has to be organized into an [ol].

  1. You've got file extensions turned off and you don't know it. There's a name for people who don't select options and uncheck "hide file extensions" as part of the 47 things they do when they first start using a windows box. They are called n00bz.

  2. There's a name for people who don't understand that you can segment file names with periods as long as there is a valid file extension after the last period. They are called n00bz.

  3. There's a name for people who don't know that both .doc and .rtf are both proprietary Microsoft formats - no .rtf is not open standard. They are called n00bz.

  4. There's a name for people who don't look up what a possible file extension might be. They are called n00bz. V3 is not associated with any mainstream app.

  5. There's a name for people who don't immediately recognize that V3 would be shorthand for version 3. They are called n00bz.

Look, I've got no problem with people who aren't good with 'puters. Lord knows I can't sling serious code or set up a hard core network, or do anything inside much more than throw in more RAM or replace a busted fan. So I know that everybody has their limits - whether its doing some heavy lifting in UNIX, or trying to send an email with an attachment. But the pomposity of the statement: ".V3, which may be Microsoft but is certainly not word!" just begs out to be pimp-slapped. And from what I've hear, this is just another example of this guy's messed up perspective, where he does no wrong. No, it may NOT be Microsoft. Like she sent you some weird ass Visio file. Like you'd know Visio if leapt out of a snake charmer's wicker basket and bit you on the chin.

Dude, dude, dude.... DUDE! You are a college professor. Not Bill Gates. You don't even teach computer science. An exclamation point? "Certainly!"? What is certain is I certainly want to take a hot steaming dump on this guys pretentious chest. Don't confuse your impressive academic accomplishments for technological aptitude.

Best part - one it was resaved, even though it was a Rich Text, it still had the "V3" in file name. Of course I'm sure he didn't even notice that.

Since my secret dream is to be a forensic psychologist and pigeonhole people for living, let me do so for this bloody wanker. A classic narcissist, who doesn't understand the concept of accountability, specifically in this instance, user error. There's two types of people in this world when it comes to a computer issue. The first group says "I did something wrong, there's something here that needs to be figured out. And when I do, it will add to my body of knowledge about computers - making me a 'wiser user'". The second group says "It's not working. Wah wah wah. I need to suck on a teat. The computer is broken/you did something wrong. I know computers, and I've never seen this before, so something is inexplicably afoul, and I'm the only sane one in the situation who sees that everything else has gone mad." There's a name for people in this second group.

They are called n00bz.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Call of Duty 4 T Shirt Designs

Edit - I actually am selling these T-shirts! Again, if you don't play CoD4 (which is everyone who visits this blog except me), you won't get these shirts. But there available. I look forward to making 2 dollars off this venture...

Monday, August 11, 2008

Yay! I Have Eczema!

People who went to college with me know I had some funky ass foot problems. Seriously, I had athlete's foot so bad that my room smelled like an animal had died, and dogs love to lick my feet. Yeah, I think I'm going to barf.

So I would say my feet in general are knobby and gross, and the least capable part of my body at attracting entourages of fine foxy ladies. But the rash stuff had gone away a long long time ago.

Then last fall I got this weird rash on the top of my feet. Not athlete's foot. It sort of subsided over the winter, and then came back full force. Probably the itchiest thing I've ever had happen to me - as you can see - those scabs are the result of my inability to resist clawing at them with furious zeal, in an effort to silence the demons that lay under my derma. Again, my feet had become the bane of my existence.

I tried all sorts of stuff, antifungal, cortizone - but nothing. I finally went to my general practitioner, who told me I had scabies.

Good god. I felt like I could sympathize with people who had genital warts or herpes. I was so embarrassed, as was Mrs. Jones. All of us used this cream a couple of times, and I went out and bought all new socks and bedding. Aside from embarrassed, I was pretty disgusted. All I could think of was the treatment cycle, where the medicine seeps into the scabies mite's burrows, killed them, and then taking another 3 weeks for my feet to heal, as my body absorbed their dead carcasses and left over fecal matter. I'm thinking microscopic bot flies - Barf.

Well a month later, things were still bad. So I went to a dermatologist, who did a scraping, and told me definitively that I didn't have scabies, but eczema. Waves of contented washed over me. Except more my feet - waves of itchiness still poured over them.

So I am going to put some steroid cream on them twice a day, and should be good as new in a couple of weeks. I always wanted to do 'roids, and now I get me chance. Go Eczema!!!

Sunday, August 10, 2008

WTF Sergio!?

I should be complementing Padraig on his win, but I'm too annoyed at Sergio for blowing up on the 16th. In the US, he's going from foreign favorite to reviled jerk - but I've always fallen for his sick shotmaking skills. Like me, he's short off the tee (that's relative though). So I appreciate a guy who knows how to handle his 5 iron deftly. And I like rooting for the bad guy.

He had total control for a while, and then hit it into the water.

I don't buy that the Player's is the fifth major, so Sergio isn't in the club. Padraig kind laid the smack down by nabbing two consecutive majors in a row - not to mention his previous Open win was the second year he'd taken that event. It will interesting to see what this confidence boost will do, and what type of challenge he can bring to Tiger next year. Of course, with a year off, we should all be wondering if Tiger will still have his mojo. I have confidence, but it's a long time to be taking off. I'll guess, behind the iron curtain, Tiger is doing the best he can to stay physically and mentally focused, until he can actually hit balls again. I mean, he does strike me as a little focused.

OMG - I love this show

I just totally stumbled onto this show - Melrose Place.  I thought it was going to blow midgets like 90210 - vomit! But OMFG!!!!! This show rocks harder than molly fucking hatchet!  Definitely tivo it!  If there isn't one person in this picture that you want to bang, get your junk checked - I think it's like, broken or something.

The Count loves ####ing apples

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Cyborg Arms are so not cool.

So Emily got a cyborg arm in May - so I like totally had 2 get 1. My mom was all like hulking out like "blah blah blah I can't afford it blah blah blah." But she's such a bitch and knows it, so she finally took me to get one.

I got this kickin' cyborg arm - it has attachable hand units - it came with a hand, laser saw and iPhone. Totally bling. I got it for my left arm, cause I always hated my left arm, and now I can be that thing where you can do stuff with like both hands.

Only problem is I couldn't get it working right. It kept spinning around and like whacking me in the face and shit. It's like, how m I supposed to text and stuff while I'm getting whacked in the face! It totally fucked up my shiznit.

I figured I could do what jesus would do and like "read the fucking manual" - but I couldn't even get it open to the right page with one hand. My cyborg arm is all like spinning and smashing me in the face with the iphone (which I totally xoxoxoxox), and I'm all like "I can't even read korean - WTF!!!".

So I took it back to the office, and the Doctor was all like "well you didn't pay that fee, so we didn't keep your old arm - let me go see if its still okay." It was so not okay. It was like rotting in the dumpster and shit - no thank you! IMO - they should have kept it. But I hated that arm anyway. So he's kind of cool in sexy older doctor way, and was like - I'll call you next time we get an arm.

He called three days later - but I get there and it's the right arm of a black man. I was totally WTFing the doctor - jesus - the arm is way too long, and I don't need two right arms. So I went home - but that arm really was hurting my face. So I went back and got it attached later that day. My dad went all Bin Laden as like "what the hell elisa! I can't keep buying you arms!" I hate that bastard.

Well, like if youve never had two right arms, and then get two right arms - you'll know it totally blows. I couldn't do shit except shake my own hands.

So I got another cyborg arm. Yeah mom and dad we're totally hating me. This one works better, but it doesn't have the iphone. So lame.

Oh yeah - I'm getting cyborg legs for christmas!!! yay that bitch emily is gonna be all like "you're stuntin, girl!" and them I'm gonna kick her chest in!


Jon Edwards had an affair. Seriously? Who cares. I'm sorry, what office is he running for? Oh, that's right, none. I'm sick of people getting in a lather over politico's sideline dalliances.

The Big Brand online that nobody is talking about

American Apparel. These guys are great. Bohemian-sexy-chic models in A.A.'s hipster outfits. I don't what it is about them, but when I see one of their banner ads, I don't have to scroll down to know its them. I'm way too fat to actually wear their stuff - but this has to be one of the most pervasive brands in my corner of the web.

Ryan's awesome party

I went over to Ryan's last night. Thanks to the kids having hand foot and mouth disease I went solo, which was actually pretty relaxing. He and his wife, January, hosted the soiree, and Erik and Karin, and Ken and Crystal were also there. He smoked some pork in his "egg" (see example below):

I had to depart from my diet slightly, but it was well worth it. He got up at 2 am to start smoking the pork, and he "injected" with infusions. Uh, yeah, whatever - but it was delicious whatever zany stuff Ryan busted out. We watched the opening of the Summer olympics which was really tedious. But at least I was in good company.

So I didn't realize how handy Ryan was - he basically constructed the interior of his entire basement, except for the bathroom. Speaking of the bathroom, I was very impressed with his classy glass handled plungers:

Yes I said plungers - plural. He had two side by side. I'm not sure what goes on that requires plunger backup - but I'll just pretend he got them at a 2 for 1 sale. I was a little intimidated by them, which maybe is the point - "guests, please don't feel comfortable enough to poop in our bathroom."

Perhaps more awesome is his secret doorway. I don't what's more awesome - that he built his own secret doorway, or that it leads to the water heater.

After all of this workmanship, and classy housewares, I'm thinking Ryan isn't just the man, he's the man to help me replace my ceiling fan. Good times. I think it says something about me that I had such a good time, but the only pictures I took were of a plunger, a bookcase, and a gaping hole in the wall.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Driving me nuts

I have this thing where the cursor jumps to random places in text box fields. That drives me nuts.


I took the plunge. Mrs. Jones has been getting in touch with a bunch of people, and as much as I loathe social networking portals, my opposition was starting to make me feel like a luddite. But it seems to consume her, and there is a lot of weird social cliche things going. Anyway - I can see how it could suck you in, but I'm just not feeling it yet. I ran into an old colleague and I might get some work from him, so I hopefully it will be more than worth the annoyance of perceived shuns and getting cyber molested by "friend collectors" that hardly know me, or how much I dislike them.

Mrs. Jones and I have renamed it "Fightbook". Hours after joining, I had to weigh in with a snarky comeback to one of Mrs. Jones' frenemies, who insinuated she looks old.

Grinding my 7 iron

When it comes to golf, I'm used to having to grind - but this was a twist...

My 7 iron has been through a lot this year. First, I tossed it at my bag in a fit and had to get the shaft repaired. Then, a coouple of rounds back, I was hitting out of the rough and clipped a hidden rock.

I picked up a dremel tool grinder for my cordless drill, and luckily was able to smoothout some of the grittiness. It didn't quite get it the way I wanted it, so I finished it off with my diamond steeling rod.

My i5's are finally looking a little rugged! I do love these irons.

It IS Wrong

Local Public Radio Morning Host:

"Is it wrong that cheese curds have me salivating this early in the

Yes. Yes it is wrong. Horribly wrong.

EDIT: I was nauseated, and pulled in to a parking lot to post this from my mobile.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Finding Your Ass with Both Hands; a tactical guide

Hi there; I'm Giuseppe Jones. You know, people come up to me every day and say: "Giuseppe, you are so good at finding your ass with both hands. How do you do it so quickly and consistently?"

If you are like the hundreds of people I've talked to, you can't find your ass with both hands. Want to know the secret about finding your ass with both hands? There's no secret at all. That's right... no secret at all.

Now, you are probably asking yourself "Is Giuseppe for real? Can this guy really find his ass with both hands?" Friend, by the time you are done with this guide, you'll be finding your ass with both hands easily, anytime you want. You might even be using one hand to find your ass, leaving your other hand free to perform other important activities, such as:

- gripping the toilet seat for better leverage
- sending text messages
- shaking hands with business partners
- giving a thumbs up
- eating Bugles
- unwinding a roll of toilet paper

Let's get started.

Getting started: So you know you need to find your ass. That's the best place to begin. First, examine your hands. Are you wearing gloves, mittens, or potholders? If so, take them off. Both of them. Is there a second pair of smaller, more snug fitting gloves underneath? Take those off too.

Posture: Posture may be the single most important key to finding your own ass with both hands. Are you standing up, like a straight, proud, god fearing American? Well stop. First, slouch your shoulders. This will extend your downward reach. If you are a gnome, little person, or otherwise have an uncharacteristically short armspan, slouching is vital. It can mean the difference between grabbing two handfuls of your own ass, or just pinching backfat. And we didn't come here to find our own backfat with both hands.

In addition to slouching, bend your knees and waist 15-25%, so that your ass sticks out behind. Not sure if you are sticking your ass out enough? Here's a simple test. Look down. Can you see your belt? Then you aren't sticking your ass out enough. If you are not wearing a belt, place a belt around you waist. If a belt is unavailable, bailing twine or an extension cord will suffice as well.

Reaching for your own ass: Just like brain surgery, rocket science, and ordering home goods from the QVC, finding your own ass should not be a guessing game. It should be done deliberately, and with both hands. Place your hands over your breasts - this starting point is key, because you can see where you breasts are, and have the sensory feedback of your nipples to validate correct position.

Now carefully slide your hands downwards (away from your face). As you perform this motion, slide your hands toward the back of your body. They will become less visible. Eventually, depending on the speed of the motion, you will come to your own ass. Trust me, the steady slide is much more reliable than quickly slapping or grabbing for your own ass. This can leave you frustrated, even bruised. And if the bruising is on your own ass, then you've got double trouble.

Recognizing your own ass. Self-ass recognition is the final step to finding your own ass. The first question should be "can I feel my own hands?" If not, you may well have found somebody else's ass. Provided you can feel your hands, ask yourself three key questions?

- Am I touching the backs of my legs?
- Am I fondling myself?
- Am I touching my back?

If the answers to these questions are no, then congratulations! Chances are, you've just found your own ass, with both hands.

Final Tip: Until finding your own ass with both hands becomes as second nature as harvesting wheat or assembling hi-fi car audio systems, you may want to use a mirror to verify you have correctly grabbed your own ass. A warning should be provided, though: don't rely on the mirror while you are performing the location of your own ass with both hands. Due to a recently discovered phenomenon in the field of optics, your own image will appear reversed. This may cause disorientation and nausea, and it's likelihood of helping you find your own ass is slim. Remember, locate your ass first, and look in the mirror to make sure you have ass-hand contact second.

Thanks for reading this invaluable guide; I'm sure you'll be finding your own ass in a jiff. Look for my other guides for teaching important activities, such as peeing on the broad side of a barn, advanced pilates, and breathing.

Friday, August 1, 2008

the power of float left

man I love css - there's always a new way to skin a cat. I've historically been pretty non-plussed by positioning objects using the float property, but It's actually pretty awesome.

In building the site I posted a mockup of yesterday, I've taken cues from other BI oriented sites - particularly the BusinessObjects site. They've got 3 columns. I've always had problems with columns, and had to do some funky positioning based on which column is longest - otherwise they run over anything under them, like a footer.

A better solution I saw by checking out their CSS is floats. Each column is a float left. You can then make the footer float left also, and voila - nothing covers up the footer. Even better - you can give all three columns the same class, instead of a special one for the "longest" column - I always hated that - it felt like breaking the spirit of CSS.

Yeah, so if you aren't me, or performing a search on CSS techniques, this is one boring ass blog entry

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Shrunken Shuriken Syrup

say that 10 times fast...

....Actually, better make it 20.

just because

sometimes I like to show off... here's the mockup of the redesign... and because web pages look so cute when they are shrunken down to this size.

Jesus Christ

Most people would not be able to understand what the hell I was talking about, or believe me when I say there is a garish, somewhat frightening gigantic purple horse with glowing red eyes standing guard over Denver International. Lest you not believe me, here are some pictures. Apparently it was supposed to be installed over a decade ago, and a piece of it fell on the artist in 2006, severing an artery in his leg and killing him. If I were a vindictive christian, I'd say it was god's punishment for building such a butt ugly golden calf.

Is this one of the apocalypse ponies?

Here's a sense of scale...

...and now I know

"Tutor's tip: A "comptroller" is a government official who oversees finances, while a "controller" is a person in a business or organization who oversees finances."

God how I love the internet. Not only can it answer every stupid question, but it can find me a picture of state comptroller Atkins!

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Call of Duty 4: The New Chess

Just ask Mrs. Jones - and she'll tell you; I'm a hopeless CoD4 addict. Almost every night I plug in.

A first person shooter, CoD4 is set in the modern period, with today's weapons. Now for people that haven't played much online shooters, its worth explaining that this isn't like playing Castle Wolfenstein. Matching wits against other players online, with multiple game modes, is very dynamic.

As I've gotten better, so has my appreciation of the layers of gameplay. First there is understand the dynamics of certain maps. The size, traffic flow and choke points all affect how you play. Weapon and "perk" selection is equally important. Certain weapons suit close range, medium, and sniping, as do "perks" or a set of 3 extras. It might be the ability to not show up on radar, or extra ammunition. Every perk and weapon has a strength, as well as a weakness, so correctly constructing up to 5 custom classes is almost as important as gameplay. Each game mode requires a different style of play.

What really makes the game interesting, as a result of its popularity, especially among skilled gamers, is the psychology. Noting behavior and predicting it - both for your teammates as well as your opponents.

The longer I play it, the more nuanced it's become. The portrayal of onscreen violence is largely lost on me; I abstract it similar to playing Risk abstracts large-scale land wars and casualties incurred. For me - its like chess and go, mixed with tag.

The biggest drawback is playing with people (everyone has headsets) how have less than enlightened views towards the game, and towards respect for other gamers. Nothing's perfect, and that's the price of online interaction - unfettered freedom of expression with any external requirements of conduct certainly allow people to show their true colors. Of course, that's not unique to CoD4, and by and large its a respectful community.

Legalize It?

Barney Frank is leading the charge to decriminalize personal use marijuana. This has a snowball's chance in hell of being passed, but it's always nice to see someone swinging for the fences on an issue I care about.

Bye Bye Watch

well - it did get worse. Mt watch stopped keeping time at 9:45 this morning. Stupid watch... I liked that one too. I have a Citizen, but its a little froo-froo for my tastes.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Things that are annoying me right now

I want to create a twitter mod that is limited to things that are making me pissed in real time...

anyway - I went in the salt water in Cali, and got condensation under the glass of my watch face - it seems to be getting worse.

...and yes, it claims to be water resistant. Of course, the swiss are land-locked, so subject matter expertise in this area should be regarded as dubious.


No, not that awesome movie from the 90s - my recipe for pretty good burgers. I had a cookout/birthday party for Tatum, and they came out pretty good - at least that's what my friend Erik SuperChef® said.

I recently changed up my approach to good burgers... some guy was on splendid table, talking up his approach to burgers, and combined with some other innovations of my own, they worked great.  I can't really eat these too often anymore, but at least I can share the love...

  1. Only use 80% lean - anything leaner than 90 is going to not taste that good.
  2. Make big patties.  You want at least 1.5 inches thick.  That's a good 3/4 to 1 lb of meat.  Hey, they aren't supposed to be healthy, but nobody says you have to eat the whole thing (but why wouldn't you, they are delicious).
  3. Look for ground chuck that is wavy - the longer the strands, the better.
  4. Very important - don't pack them tightly.  Very loosely.
  5. This is my addition.  I find it's had to not pack them somewhat, so stab them repeatedly with a fork - like 10 times.  You really want the meat to be as loose as possible.
  6. Brush lightly with vegetable oil - ditto with buns (and layers of onion if you want to fancy).  A rub is optional - I tend to put the oil in a small bowl or teacup, and add ground pepper and salt.  That way you aren't packing the meat down with the rub.
  7. When grilling, stay at grill, and don't cover them - unless you are into well done.
  8. Grill buns for a few minutes.
That's it - you get really tasty, moist burgers, not the hard leathery burgers.  You can actually get away with a medium burger that's as soft as rare burger.


so I use time machine - not to visit ancient peoples, cheat at gambling to amass a fortune, or find future technology - but to back up my mac data. Basically, for the non-initiated, time machine monitors and changes to files (creation/editing/changes), and makes backups based on those to an external hard drive.

I bought a new macbook in May/June. Migration is reduckulously turnkey, and was almost flawless - almost. A few preferences aren't imported over, including one that just caused my body to need Excedrin.

I also use parallels, a windows virtualization app for the mac, so I can make MS office stuff for my clients. It creates a virtual hard drive on your system - mine is about 16GB. Funny thing is that every time you open it - it changes. So it gets backed up.

Now, I'm not totally stupid. I was aware of this issue, and investigated it when OSX Leopard and Time Machine were released. What I overlooked, and what definitely qualifies me as at least kind of stupid, is that I didn't think to check the "excluded folders" in the time machine preferences. And they didn't get imported. So every time I used parallels, my HD was taking a 16GB blow to the shins with Tanya Harding's steel baton.

So now I've a totally full 300 GB partition on my external HD (my laptop is only 180GB). And using spotlight to crawl that for folders named "parallels" is bringing finder to screeching halt.

I am kind of amused that Finder is hobbling along, but everything else works fine. There's a half glass full satisfaction in that.

Finder doesn't let you delete files from Time Machine - but I found a way. You need to have the "actions" gear in your finder windows.

  1. From the finder, go to the folder or file you want to stricken from TM.
  2. Launch TM
  3. With the same folder/file selected, select the actions "gear" icon.
  4. Choose Delete All Backups of "(your file or folder you want to get rid of)"
That's it.  It's an all or nothing proposition, but it worked for me - just whacked about 225 GB worth of unneeded files.

Monday, July 28, 2008

tipping the scales

I lost 10 pounds in the last week or so. That's the good news. The bad news? I am still 30 pounds overweight.

Really, I've stacked the cards against me:

Eating. It's the trifecta of bad eating mechanics - a tolerance for huge quantities, the ability to eat incredibly fast (I can probably eat half of a pizza in the time it takes the average person to eat one slice), and I bite huge mouthfuls of food. I also have historically made poor nutritional choices, based largely around meat. Of course, I can almost always out-eat anybody when it comes to casual competition (I've turned out many a surprised and disappointed contender), but that's quickly losing its appeal.

Drinking. I likes me my beer. And like eating, I can take down a lot of it. My rationale is that the more beers I have, the less mental objections I make to "eh, I could have one more." If you gave me 2 beers, I'd be fine; but give me a 12 pack, and I can polish that off also.

Exercise. I'm pretty lazy and sedentary. I golf sometimes, and practice, but that's not really strenuous. I get about zero aerobic activity. And the worst part - if it wasn't so unhealthy, I'd have no problem with that. I realize that it's not the correct mindset to have, but that's where I am right now. I hike once in a while, but it's so hot around here in the summer that you have to go early or it's just not fun.

So here's how I'm trying to address these issues...

Eating. I've cut way back on meat. A few times a week, and on special occasions (like the cookout we had yesterday). never more than once a day. And I try not to have more than 1200 calories a day. All the fat content stuff kind of takes care of itself If I watch that. I make a mental note of how many calories I've had, and make eating choices accordingly. It's definitely put a dent in my snacking behavior. Pretzels are a healthy snack, for example, but if you go back again and again, and wind up eating half the back grazing after dinner, that's not healthy. I'm trying to eat more veggies and fruit for snacks. I'm trying to eat smaller portions, and have "mini-meals that a more like big snacks". And my secret weapon? Diet Pepsi. I know that stuff is pretty nasty if you read the label - but it is more filling than water, and suppresses the appetite.

Drinking. Less beer. There's a beer night for me. If I'm out, no more than 3 beers for social sake. If I want to get my drink on, its whiskey. Not really super healthy, but I can't take down too much of the ol' gut rot, and it's a lot less fattening than beer. Of course, at 50 calories a shot, it's not like drinking... Diet Pepsi.

Exercise. Eh... cough. I'm holding off on this. Usually my mental jihad against exercise has to addressed mentally first. The other issue is that being so overweight makes the exercise harder than it needs to be, and makes it less likely that I'll com back for more. My agreement with myself is that to go as far as I can with improving my eating habits, and when I hit the wall, I'll add exercise into the mix. I'm guessing I can drop another 10 pounds before I lose momentum, and need exercise to keep the progress moving.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Lesbians - not just for greeks any more

Court rules lesbians are not just from Lesbos

Thanks for clearing that up, Greek courts. I guess it would be annoying to be from the island of lesbos, and having the same dinner part conversation over and over and over again.